2016 Holymacarony what a year.

On a personal level so much has changed. Half way this year I became a mom and that… was a huuuuuuge transition in my life. Now at the end of 2016 I slowly start to settle and embrace this new phase. Being daily confronted with my own impatience and learn how to deal with that has maybe been one of the biggest lessons I have learned this year.

I have to admit that feeling the weight of responsibility for the little one and high self expectations, trying to control it all mixed with a sauce of hormones racing through my body has been quite overwhelming.

A huge beautiful volcano exploded in 2016, all the lava covered up my relationship, career, and friendships. It has changed many things… slowly the hot lava is cooling down and settling. I think in 2017 the pumice stone will be a fruitful base to start re-building up from.

Over the last year I also changed completely physically. From flat belly, to a human growing inside of me, from small boobs to big boobs and back. From big hair to hair falling out, pregnancy glow to 24/7 bags under my eyes. From well trained muscles to letting go to slowly re-train again.

2016: The year where my heart is growing with love day after day by seeing this new little human develop. Cliche but oh so true; to see Willem discovering the world around him and his own body is priceless to see.

My love for friends, family and especially Daan got stronger and stronger after his birth this year. Quality time vs. Quantity time. Being honest and sharing my struggles as a young ambitious new mom with my loved ones made me feel even more connected in times where it can also be very lonely.

The last years before Willem’s birth I have been dancing and traveling all around the world and literally being in the center of attention on stage. As a freelance performer I was barely at home and everyday was completely different. Basically no structure at all, and going with the flow.

From the 2nd half of 2016 suddenly being home a lot and following Willems structure is in my case quite a big change. Not a bad change… but a big change.

However, I also know this is a very important phase and I feel it is very important to give Willem a good kickstart in his life. So to put my ego now and then aside and give space for others to grow and develop is another lesson I am learning this year. Not only me, me, me… but WE.

2016: Especially in the world like how it is now; with some frightening changes and events happening often. My little family and connecting with loved ones became more important for me then before.

And yes, it scares me more and more what climate changes will do for our children’s future, and yes it scares me how the fear for another terrorism attack has grown on me, and yes it scares me what is happening on a bigger political picture with some very close minded people at the top and yes it even scares me if this safe country I grew up in, will stay like this for Willem to grow up in.

But we don’t know what the future will bring, or what tomorrow will teach us. We do can appreciate what we have. And I do… by writing this down and looking back on this past year, I am a very blessed and a rich person. How my parents still teach me some very important lessons I hope that I can teach Willem the same.

And for now he just have to follow his crazy dancing mommy all around.

Cheers to a good start in 2017, cheers to lots of dancing and being free, cheers to LOVE!



Les Lieux de mémoire – En souvenir de Sascha Meijer et Tim Nieburg- MH17

Exactly a month ago we had to say for the last time goodbye to Sascha.
In ‘de rode hoed’ in Amsterdam, surrounded by her family and friends we shared a beautiful afternoon listening to all the touching stories about Sascha.
For this day Judith came up with the idea to make a short dance-film specially for Sascha and Tim.
She asked me if I wanted to join and for me this was very special to do so.
So in the beginning of September we did. Together with a fantastic little team, we made something very beautiful I think, for Sascha and Tim.
A little love story made for these two wonderful friends who will always be rembered.

Continue reading


Summer recap 2014

It’s definately time for a big update/clean up of my website. Especially since the last months were full of new little adventures where I was spending most of the time in the studio, performing, rehearsing, playing, dancing in many different places all over the world.

Finally I am able to do that,
Soon a fresh website will be back online. For now a little update on the last few things I did this summer.

Last week I had the premiere of L.O.V.E by Cecilia Moisio in Amsterdam.
Next dates will be:
16 October Tilburg
21 October Maastricht
2 November Rotterdam
more information can be find on the website of Dansmakers Amsterdam

For the Disconnected Child by Falk Richter/Schaubuhne Berlin, is in it’s 2nd season still a big succes. This weekend (11/12th) it was again completely sold out.
In September FTDC received the Friedrich-Luft-Preis in Berlin for most outstanding production season 2013/14. The next performances will be on 22nd and 23rd of November in Berlin.

This summer I played in my first two feature movies. Both of them will have its premiere in 2015.
The Firebird by Lucas van Woerkum/ Symphonic Cinema.
Baden-Baden by wonderful French Director Rachel Lang.

After some crazy months, some
more quite time untill Decemer is coming up. This will be good cause this means I can refocus/recharge again and figuring out what the next steps will be for 2015. Scary and exciting but I guess that is all part of the freelance artist life. Trust, that again something special will come up.

In July I participatie in the Countertechnique Teacher Training in Melbourne, Australia.
(Anouk van Dijk and Nina Wollny)
After spending inspiring days in the studio I am now officially a Countertechnique Teacher which allows me to share this wonderful information all over the world with other people.

So definately lots of things have happened and most of it has been a great new adventure.

Soon more to come.













It’s been a bit longer then a week ago and every morning I wake up, still the first thing I think about is you sascha.

Is this for real? Did this really happen to you and all these other people?


I still can’t believe it and especially when something so incredible big and political hits you personally so close.

A flight that is so common to take to Australia or Asia. A flight I took many times and litterally twice in the last weeks. A flight on a route that most of my travel friends take very often. And so was it this time, a flight with somebody in it and that was you Sas, you were there at the wrong time and wrong place.

It is a heartbreaking nightmare to hear about what happened to you and all the other people in that plane.

Since thursday 17th of July it is a rollercoaster of moments where everything is fine mixed with many thoughts, feelings, memories, angryness, sadness, over-analyising the bigger picture, shock and grief.

I strangely enough felt the urge to read through our facebook chats, emails and phone messages on my old phone. They go back from the time we were living in the same house a couple of years ago. Sarphatipark. The second floor was yours and tessa’s floor! The two tall girls I called you both, especially compare to me. A house where you have lived in for many years. A house that kept changing roommates, and I think a house that you called for a long time home.

You always worked hard. A very smart young lady and you had a goal. It was definately a sign that you, a talented girl with lots of potential in the journalism world, got accepted for both master degrees you were interested in. That was already 2 years ago.

Now, you were about to go into the last fase of the course. Only one year left to finish your master degree, already working as a freelance journalist with some great articles publiced in NCR and Parool. So you were for sure at the beginning of a wonderful career.

Time is passing faster and faster the older I get. But still time looks to be standing still if I think about you not coming back anymore.

You said in a message you were so incredibly proud to see me dance after a performance you went to see the night before. You always made the effort to come and watch.

Some messages later it was me saying to you how proud I was to read your first full page article Hotel overspel in parool.

We both said; it was definately time to catch up soon cause so much had happened this year. Very painful to realise that next time will not happen anymore.

We lived at Sarphatipark together in a house full of girls. I remember our many morning breakfast chats about career choices, travelling, friends and analysing our love-life-dilemma’s. Then you met Tim. He became your love of your life and with him you were about to go on a well deserved holiday to Bali.

You were strong in your opinions. You had a goal and you were going straight at it. You were really good in giving advice when was needed.

Thinking beyond the obvious, curiousity in the world. Travelling a lot, hungry to share your stories, and very open to listen to others, adventurous, and you loved drinking wine, laughing and dancing.

If I close my eyes I can see you and I can still hear you crying with laughter when Kaki had to laugh about something in our house. This chain reaction of laughing could continue for a long time. We would look at each other and laugh even harder with tears rolling down our cheeks.

Really, for me you were a very warm person and most of it a very honest person. If something was not cool, you said so. If something was great, it was even more appreciated because of your honesty.

For your parents, your sister Fieke and the rest of the family, for all your strong and special friends from the past and now, for Meike, Judith, Xanel, Daphne and Tessa and for all the other people who were close physically or mentally in your life; I am sending you a big dose of love and strenght in this nightmare.

I can not believe that the future will not be able to meet you Sascha.

The future will miss out on a talented and inspirational girl.

You will be remembered in our hearts. Forever.


Sascha, I will miss you

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My New York ’13 ABC.

Airport security
Alone in the big…
Apple (store)
Animal excersise
American dream
Always developing
Art books fair
All I want
Awful sandwiches
Apple picking
As the world turns

Bridge ride up
Brooklyn love
Blood sweat and tears
Basic needs
Be me
Boston bus trip
Bill murray
Bagel galore
Bad habits
Be in the moment

City that never sleeps
Creativity bubble
Celebrating live
Crossing bridges at night
Can you take a picture
Central park
Cheap pizza
Cutting hair
Creative writing workshop
Cider donuts

Cedric’s friends
Cat on a hot tin roof

Deadly roads
Drama books
Dance for life
Day and night
Destiny, right now
Doing less, doing less

Estimated time
Epic times square
East side bike ride
Everything is operating
Early mornings
Empire state of mind
Eye power

Fancy a drink
Favorite moment
Fog in brain
Foolish mistakes
Funny girl

Follow my dream
Frozen in the door of hope
Freaking awesomeness
Fighting like a warrior
Freeman st.
Flu battle
Fake it till you make it
Finding treasures
Flee markets

Gorgeous moments
Get up, dress up and show up
Green point
Go and beat yourself up
Garden photo shoot

Heart, precious heart
Hell yeah
How to…
Here and now
Horrible hotdogs
Help me, please
Hipster overdose
Holding on and not letting go

Inspiring performances
It is as it is
I am enough
I think
I miss you
I can’t vs. I can
Indian summer
Instinct, my precious instinct
I have been here before
I need air

James Turrell
Joreeen? Sorry but whats your name

Knowing nothing & knowing so much

Limited access
Literally empty
Life is wonderful
Learning by doing
Listening carefully
Long nights
Leaving and coming back
Lower east side
Like you
Long dresses
Left brain
Looking for
Let’s do it
Learning to swim
Living life to the max
Lobster cove

Manifique expérience
Morning glory
Missing is ok

Marisa’s room
Moment to moment
Money is money
Moscow visa
Maybe maybe maybe
Middle of the night ideas

No sleep for the art
No connection
New york city
New doesn’t mean better
Not knowing
No way I will forget this ever
Ny waterfront
Noho style
Never thought I would…
No time
New york is a gogo

Obvious I don’t know how
Omg… Have heard that too much
Obama’s car
Once I really nailed it
Overall adventure
Ost cafe
On camera technique
One way or the other
Obese yoga
Owning it…

Philosophy books

Perfect doesn’t exist, yeah!
Pretty perfect though
Pretty face
Polish neighborhood
Place of defeat
Phone call
Precious moments
Pistol boots
Pickle guy
People watching
Pina bausch
Park slopes baby boom

Questions and answers
Qualified or not
Quality not quantity

Rough learning
Rocking it
Riding my raleigh
Roasted in the sun
Relying on others
Rising sun
Reading overdose
Romy Schneider
Red lipstick is the answer
Random street conversations

Steady as a rock
Sinking deep
Say it, do it
Sleeping, what’s that
Singing too loud
State of being
Sensory memory
Stream of thought
Self awareness
Self sabotage
Support becomes leading lady
Staten island
Stand up and just do it
Save me
Super expensive
Samsung camera
Susan Batson
Skype connection trouble
Short movie
Shake that body
Script breakdown

This is unreal
Too many people
Toby’s bench
Top of the world
To be or not to be
Thousand of miles away
Tacky diva’s
Text me…
Too hot in here
The circle
Times square. I hate you
Time difference
Taking care with love
Taco bus

Today is today

United stated of america


Ultra commitment

Ugly bars are the best bars
Urban gardening
Utilizing emotions
Union pool

Visa issues

What if?
Wishing, hoping, praying
Why not?
Who am I?
Where am I?
Waiting for opportunities
Working hard
Williamsburg enjoyments
Water filter

Wonderful friends

Xx album
Xtra xtra xtra large

You can change
Yours is mine
Yesterday was yesterday

Zzz.. sleeping is overrated
in this city!


Things that are happening

There is a difference between a trip and a journey. A trip you plan, you know what the schedule of the day is, you know where you’re going to sleep and you know when it will end and when you are back home. I guess, I am on a journey right now and have absolutely no idea where this will take me, but this journey in NYC will take me somewhere for sure.

The first week when I arrived, I got sucked in straight away in the buzzing life of this city.  Week 1; getting up most days too early (jet lag) exploring the city/observing all these incredible interesting characters walking around here and cruising around on my new sexy red bike in the area I am living (Brooklyn/Williamsburg)

Weirdly enough I ended up most of week 1 in the library. Scanning through ‘my eye-catching’ books and reading lots of old plays. There I ended up in some creative writing workshops and felt I was in a stereo type American comedy movie/AA meeting group. The weirdest people around me sharing their fiction stories and I also had to share mine. Which was to be honest absolutely dreadful but on the other hand, that’s the great thing from being anonymous in a big city… Who cares !!

Beginning of week 2; a little twist in my plan of  just ‘hanging out’ in NY.

Since Tuesday I started at the Susan Batson Studio. Everyday for the next 40 days, 7  days a week. Starting in the morning and not finishing before midnight. It’s Crazy! Basically I could have been in any other city, cause much of NY I won’t see right now. But to be here, in this enviroment learning and mainly developing my acting skills feels absolutely amazing. I guess that first week of wandering around was useful to come to a conclusion that this is something I really want to do. Since I have started here at the studio; how challenging, confronting, difficult, exhausting it already is… I would not want to be somewhere else!

I finished reading the book The Creative habit by choreographer Twyla Tharp. This little bit of text I read last week got me actually to go for it.


“another trap is the belief that everything has to be perfect before you can take the next step.  You won’t move on to that second chapter until the first is written, rewritten, honed, tweaked, examined under a microscope, and buffed to a bright mahogany sheen.  You won’t dip a brush in the paint until you’ve assembled all the colors you can possibly imagine using in the course of the project.  I know it’s important to be prepared, but at the start of the process this type of perfectionism is more like procrastination.  You’ve go to get in there and DO…It’s better to be ready to go than to wait until you are perfectly ready….”